Doug the moose.

Greetings sportsfans,

And what a tournament we have. The book, "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" is why we're here, now called the Name Guru.

And come, they do, to the Eumundi Markets. My horse. This gentlemen is Doug. His wife read out the Doug name theory, she looked at me like I was a ghost. She showed it to Doug. He flushed red and looked at me like I was a ghost.

From the book(and the app)....

Doug: The name of the great moose head that's hanging on the wall. He's great to talk to when you come home, pissed as a mute.

"I've got a moose head on my wall at home," he said.

His wife stared at me. "He's right. He does."

I stared back, disbelieving. "....you're names Doug, and you've got a moose head hanging on your wall?"

He nodded at me, smiling. At least, I think it was a smile.

"How the hell did you end up with a bloody moose head on your wall?"

"Ah, I used to hunt."

I nodded, and there endeth the Doug lesson.

Amen,

and blessed be the animals.

www.nameguruapp.com

Name Guru app in Texas

Morning sportsfans, and what a tremendous life.......

Here is the latest from the markets...namely that involving "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?", now of course, the application called 'Name Guru'.
Early on the crowd was volatile and results unpredictable, and even early-on it seemed it was a day for people wanting to know if I could guess their name.
'Betcha' cant guess mine?" this bloke says to me, cocky as all hell.
"Sure I can," I said. "....Jim."
"Hah! Wrong. Go on - guess again...."
I knew I was screwed. "Nah, bugger it. What's your name?"
He looked at me, steely-eyed. ".......Dixie."
"How many Dixies you met?"
"One. Me."


Thirty minutes later a 'Jim' did appear.

Jim: Option A: Brainwashed by society to the conformities of what constitutes a strong man in a rural environment, Jim, while a pleasant and generous individual, is incapable of dealing with highly complex issues. He is a simple fellow at his core, so maybe he's lucky that he lives a simple life.
Option B: Good bloke.




Thankyou Jim........




Next of course we had the dastardly trio from Melbourne? Is that right? From left to right, Maria, Rosa and Maria.

Maria: Her mum taught her to cook and that's great, but that isn't one five hundreth of the story. And she loves with all her might.

Rosa: Rosa is short in stature, of Italian descent and she has beautiful eyes. However, DO NOT anger her unless you feel like being on the receiving end of a beating. (Hello Rosa, you look wonderful, by the way!xx)



Maria, left, grabbed me and says, "Do you know, my mum did teach me to cook?..."

What delicious gals. thankyou....





Sarah Jessica Parker, I mean, Audrey, on the left arrvied with Ian. Two of my favourite name theories from the Name Guru app. Sadly, not many Audreys exist in the wild now, and I discussed with Ian, he is possibly the youngest Ian in Australia.....

Audrey: An English Literature graduate who lost her virginity way too late. But that's okay because she now makes a wonderful older lover.

Ian: The sound of a teaspoon being droppped onto a tiled floor. The ungianly twang is noise without being painful and more often it leaves a mess, but did you ever stop and study the shape of the pattern of the mess? Check it out next time. You might be surprised to discover the artist that lies within.

Yep. Looked like love to me.....(if you want that app, you two, head to www.nameguruapp.com)




Now, Robert, (on the bottom) congratulations!! Bloody congratulations! Why? Because too few 'Roberts' retain a sense of houmour on reading their name theory....

Robert: Borish.

Ladies and gentlemen, Robert read his name theory and laughed so hard and with so much heart that it reverberated throughout the markets. Honestly. So bloody bravo sir!!

Luke, above, didn't mind it either.

Luke: Luke exists out there somewhere between a fluke and a stroke of genius. He courts disaster with a grin on his face but he can easily fall into a heap if the wind changes direction.




Quite early on Saturday, this duo rock up and he too muttered something about trying to guess his name. I didn't even have to think hard about it.

"Richard," I said.
And all his bravado was vanished from his face. Richard it was. Goodafternoon to you Richard. But your wife?? Is it Sandra???? Or Alison??? (I lost that page of my bloody notepad!)


Richard: The knight in shining armour with an ill-fitting helmet that badly impedes his vision 80% of the time. He rides a big black stallion not dissimilar to that ridden by Cassandra, although his task of riding anywhere quickly is made far more difficult because the horse continually tries to throw him for its personal amusement.


God bless you Richard!


Below, naturally, we have Kate and Todd. Good sports, for I grabbed them from the crowd due to their spectacular look. A lovely couple nonetheless, and arguably the most 'unconventional' Kate ever born.....

Kate: I'd check for rocks first but Kate is the name of the breathe you take before diving into a perfect blue sea. If it's a good day you'll see the rocks, no worries, and if it's a really good day, she'll take your breathe away. No question.

Todd: Todd rhymes with Oops. Not in a catastrophic way, mind you, more in the, I-forgot-to-feed-the-cat-but-now-that-I've-remembered-I-will, kind of way.

....dont believe the hype Todd!




But I'd be bloody careful of Blanche, though!(From the Name Guru app...)

Blanche: Blanche lives with her dripping jewellery at a sea-side mansion at one of the 'finer' locales inside Sydney harbour, and she's gruff like that old troll that lives under the bridge and eats children.


She read her name theory, twice, looked back to me, confused. "What??" she screamed.
Blanche, god bless you too! xx





And last but not least - fair dinkum. I'm sitting at my stall, minding my own business, when this maelstrom arrives in the form of the stunning looking family below. The story goes like this- Stu and Blair(parents) live in Dallas, Texas. He's an Aussie, she's American, but Stu's mum sent them "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" last year when Blair was pregnant again. Evidently they consulted the book directly to name their second son.
"Here you go," Blair says to me. "His name is Rowan, and you named him!"

(Stu, Xavier, Rowan, Blair)

Rowan: Patient and contained, Rowan is the sort of bloke who makes an excellent professional photographer.

Xavier (his older brother): A private school boy and all round nice guy. He won't set the world on fire but he won't bore us to death either. Probably.

Stu: Soft like a sponge, Stu can deal with any sitution. He's probably the most adaptable and malleable of all the male species and a better absorber of shock or strangeness does not exist. One day he'll be canonised and we will then know him as St. Stu. And rightly so.

Blair: Tough on the surface, sensitive in the middle, Blair does what it takes and in a quielty determined way, (bullshit, in this case) even though her methods and her dreams seemingly unrealistic.

Yeah, I know people use the thing as a baby-name book but it still and will always, freak me out. Very humbling. But, they invited me to Dallas to come stay, and for the grand USA radio tour I think I will. Plus, I got my mash-potato recipe from a restaurant in Dallas, so that alone is worth going back for.

What a wonderful life.

www.nameguruapp.com

love hock

Name Guru app, "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?", Eumundi markets....

Good afternoon sports fans everywhere, and welcome to another days rousing competition, involving the book, "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" - now the app called Name Guru.

Quickly out of the blocks was a dashing young lass called, Beatrice. True, Beatrice looks happier than her description in the book/app, and that's a good thing...

Beatrice: Beatrice hasn't had an orgasm for about 15 years, not even by herself. Not that it matters, really, because she's passed all that bullshit.

Somehow i imagined a Beatrice to be way older. anyhows......

Now, we arrive at some fated legends, below.

Margaret, on the left, and Jude. Margaret laughed hard at her description because right now she has 6 Border collies at her house......

Margaret: An Australian sheep dog. A Border Collie. A legend. Loved by all and feared by sheep. What would we do without her? What would Australia do without her??

Jude (holding the book) seemed like she'd take no crap. Indeed....

Jude:Jude works at the pub where she pulls a mean beer. Laughs alot. Fights hard.

Making a hard charge near the midway point we had three more goddesses. From left to right, Lola, Helena and Sammy.

Lola: Tone deaf to the tune of 100%. She thinks the cats howling in protest are actually singing with her, but you have to love her passion for the creative cause.

Helena:Helena is the name of the sound produced by two large, smooth chunks of limestone beign rubbed together. For such a harsh activity the sound produced is surprisingly exotic and calming. "Hey hey...." the noise will tell you, soothingly. "....it will be alright." (Just be careful not to put your fingers in between them.)

Joanna: Joanna was screamed at by her parents as a child quite a bit, so these days you can't blame her for being off in her hown little world for most of the time.

Ari, left, who looks more like a Neville, was amazed that he found his name at all....

Ari: His entire name is off the ground like an Osprey at full tilt and this boy, therefore, can do just about anything and make it look pretty easy. In which case he needs our congratulations.

Ari, naturally, is married to April, just out of screen, who declined to have her photo taken during competition.

April: April will od whatever she can to ensure that she and her family always give a good impression of themselves, and regardless if she is the daughter, the mother, the aunty of the grandmother.

I'm pretty sure April had the same tattoo on her back...

Then of course we had the young stallion, Ross.

Ross: TAKE ALL PRECAUTION!!! Keep a tranquilliser gun trained on him at all times, even if he appears tame, because he might be faking it. You just never know.


So, would you trust that man, pictured right????

Above us we have Mick's arm, tattoed just so, in case he turns up drunk at some international customs office, forgetting where is and how he got there.

Love your work Mick....

Mick: An Australian icon. He's no rocket scientist - indeed, only physical things that he can touch make sense to him - but his symbol, the fist with the raised thumb, belongs on a flag somewhere. (Note: He detests being called Mike....)

Lastly, as we near the finish line, the delectable, Kim, Lisa and Sammy.

Kim: Kim actually holds a record in the Kingdom for possessing the greatest ration of:

Complexity of Nature/Name Length.

Indeed, Kim is sensual, she is worldly, she is determined and, yes, she is complex.

Lisa: Lisa is supremely normal and often quite beautiful but better than that, she endeavours to allow herself the freedom of passionate reactions in her life. (Note: Having said that, if aliens abduct the English-speaking world's most charasmatic, mysterious and sensual woman as some kind of culture-enhancement project, Lisa probably wont be the one.)

...personally, I think that's bullshit.

and finally, Sammy, who technically doesnt exist just yet....

Sam: It has been almost impossible for Sam to shake the Tom Boy image but it's made her an outdoorsy sort of person who is smart on her feet. She's quite gifted at orienteering (and shopping, I might add) and it helps that she has an excellent sense of smell, although she doesnt take to the dainty types too well- be they man or woman.

And as the sun sets on another day at Eumundi, it seems that sport was the winner, dont you agree????

www.nameguruapp.com

see you out there for next weeks mission. and who will we meet??......

love hock x

great white sharks, Eumundi markets, name guru app, baby names....

Greetings sportsfans,

Late Ocotber 2011 and welcome to another week from the Eumundi markets, with the news that 'Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?' is approaching sales of 6000 copies in Australia. True, Bryce Courtney and that Harry Potter chick aren't in danger of being overtaken just yet, but I would attest that 'Clint' has elicited more guttural laughter. Probably ruffled a few more feathers too, but that's another story.

Col' and China, pictured below, loved it. Col on the bottom, kind of shook his head at his description though.....

Col: The tall and slightly out of shape middle-aged bouncer, who works at the pub every Sunday afternoon. He'll kick people out if he has to, and he can handle himself, but overall all he wants to do is see that the young kiddies have a good time without hurting either themselves or anyone else. His home life is actually very sedate.

Col read his name theory and looked down at his own arms (evidently chiselled from marble) in surprise, but tall. The pic doesnt do him justice but he's at least 6 and a half feet tall. I shook his hand and, in the words of Jack Black, it was like grabbing a bunch of bananas. China will make the list next edition....

Now, what about this bloke, pictured left? What name would you give this creature, do you reckon? I guessed at Richard, James, perhaps even a Tristan, but no....

Jimmy: Like any decent crap you're trying to have, Jimmy is bare-boned, rude, proud, occasionally very funny and generally wonderful to experience. (Just be careful of the cleanup.)

And even though his spelling was Jimmi. ie- Jimmi Hendrix. So i'll deal with 'Jimmi' in the next edition. He was Irish - funny guy. Thankyou Jimmy....

What about this bloke on the right?....

Any ideas?.......

He's the first specimen of this name I've ever actually met, anywhere in the world, apart from a dude in Livorno, Italy, who I met years ago....

Guido: Guido is one twisted mother f--cker.

He looked more like a Reginald to me, perhaps an Edward. Anyway, there you go.

Now, last but not least, this dude was walking passed the 'Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?' stall and I yelled at him to stop and say g'day. Seldom do you see a person with such style.

Rohan: Patient and contained, Rohan is the sort of bloke who makes an excellent professional photographer.

..yeah, not sure I got it exactly right on this occasion Rohan. Perhaps is the book and the Name Guru app suggested that you belonged in front of the camera, I might have been more accurate?

Anyway, such is life, here on Planet Earth.

Just a reminder that the full list is now an app for iphone/Android devices, and comes with a romantic compatability function. (www.nameguruapp.com)

Books can be got from me at www.thenametheory.com

As of next week the first modern Shark ghost story will begin its serialization, here at daysofhock. The original title was 'The Arc of Tommy Shoalhaven'. It will be hereby be known as, "The shark that ate Tommy Shoalhaven."

I'll see you on the water.

Goodluck

Hock!!!

Eumundi dreaming, Sydney chicks, insane fathers.....Name Guru app!

Greetings sportsfans, and welcome to another edition of the wide world of "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" (and the Name Guru app) here at the Eumundi markets.

This fellow on the left is Gary, and we'll get to him in a sec, but he was especially impressed with his daughters' name theory.

Phoebe: Her father is certifiably insane, which explains why Phoebe is as complicated as she is. So it's not her fault, classically speaking, but Phoebe is pretty cool. Keep an eye on her if you like, but she'll be fine.

He read that and started nodding and gesticulating hard. "That's exactly right," he said. "I AM insane!"

Evidently the description of Phoebe was on the money. He wasn't so sure that 'Gary' suited him now.

Gary: See Garry..... (There's a red wine stain on the lounge room carpet that he left one night after he turned up drunk and unannounced.).... although this one drinks more.

In actual fact Gary seems to be connected to the universe in quite a magnificent way, which means he either really is insane, or he's got it completely sussed. I suspect the latter...

Later, the beautiful Sydney chicks turned up in their Sydney hats. From left, Jenny, Ashley and Jude seemed to enjoy themselves.

Jenny: The Community and family stalwart who is hard-working and very polite.

Personally I think that's bullshit - Jenny likes running across grassy meadows naked while trying to scoll from a Corona stubby. And Ashley...

Ashley: Contorted up insider herself, Ashley is a pretty girl who worries too much about trivial things.

....yeah, maybe the Name Guru app (and the book) got it wrong. How can someone so happy be so twisted up??

Finally, Jude, without doubt the most laid-back of the trio and that kind of makes sense....

Jude: Jude works at the pub where she pulls a mean beer. Laughs a lot. Fights hard.

BANG ON THE MONEY, I SAY!!!!

Finally, Tammy, Deidre and Phil arrived looking like they'd just stepped off the plane. Tammy liked her name theory initially and then she balked.....

Tammy: The name of a beautiful soft blanket that you wrap around yourself on a cold night before sloughing on the couch for a bit of TV. The only thing you have to watch out for is a single large hole about as big as a basketball and depending on there it is located, you may be forced to wrestle with a chilly breeze on a part of your body that will make it difficult to relax for very long. So, can you see the hole?

Yeah. Roger that, I reckon.

Deidre: Proper, funny and true.

Which I like, because what more can you ask for, seriously. Poor Phil has a few issues, however......Phil rhymes with dill, after all.

Phil: The Streaker.

I guess it's better than Phillip. (Phillip: The pompous boring poo-poo man.)

In any case, I'm bloody-well excited to see who turns up next week. As usual, all these names and over 2000 more are on the Name Guru app, Android-ready as well as iphone.

By the way, there is another youtube video out....I've been in love with 'Noreen' since her name theory popped into my head years ago, and it was about time the world got to meet her too.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD_avn_6N6I

If anyone one out there wants a signed copy of "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" go to , www.thenametheory.com. And if you want the app, with the added bonus of a compatibility function, check out www.nameguruapp.com

Anyway, life is a dream based upon this second and this second only, so do whatever you want, but BE WONDERFUL....and Gary would agree.

love hock x

Carlton, Juddy, Wolf Creek crater

Good afternoon sportsfans,

Hocking here, welcoming you back to the "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" arena at the Eumundi markets, where it seems the season has just ended. True, Geelong won the flag but who cares, when finally my search for a genuine Carlton cap has ceased. Before I continue, for those not in the know the Name Guru app is now out on Android!
https://market.android.com/details?id=com.nameguruapp.app&feature=search_result

And for iphone/ipads you can still find it at http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/name-theory/id422021442

But I digress....

Reading the paper quielty at my stall yesterday, a young man arrived in front of me wearing a Cartlon-member cap. My eyes lit up. I looked at the young man smiling back at me, to his father, then back to the young fellow.
"Mate! How about I give you a free book for that cap!" I asked with bated breath. "Whattaya' reckon?"
The young man grinned hard and looked to his dad. His father smiled back and shrugged. "...Yeah, go on. You've got three more at home, haven't you?"
The boy's smile grew wider than his face. He looked back to me and took the cap off. "Okay," he said.
Never before have I been so excited to hand over a book, for my long search was over.
"What's your name?" I asked him.
"Jack," he said.

(From the book and the Name Guru app....... Jack: As one of life's great experiences, Jack is the name given to the phenomenon of a parcel arriving unexpectedly in the mail from a good friend. Outstanding.)

I breathed a sigh of relief - if it had been Jake or Joel I might have been in trouble - and in two shakes I'd signed young Jack a copy.

Last Saturday, a different spectacle arrived at my stall. The first triplets to present themselves at "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" Back row from left to right; Claire, Carly and Liza. Front row: Another Jack, Oscar, Archie.

Man, I meet some Archies. He doesn't exist in the book, but he's alive and well in the Name Guru app. ..

(Archie: Pure as the driven snow.)

I probably should've said something like, Pure as the driven snow when he's in front of his parents.

Finally I want to show you a picture of a bloke who I was prepared to bet money on the fact that his name was Mick.

"...nah," he said, as cocky as all crap. "You'll never guess it."
"Alright, I give up. What's your name?" I asked.
"Vlad."
Who currently doesnt exist anywhere, yet.
Thankyou Vlad, thankyou triplets, thankyou mum, and thankyou to young Carlton-Jack.

In fact, if you're out there cap'n, a few years back I visited a meteor crater in North Eatern Western Australia called Wolf Creek Crater. In the early morning the echo has to be experienced to be believed.....check out this youtube vid. of what i yelled out, and tell your dad i'm sorry about the little bit of bad language!!

And I love the hat brother!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD8CLJzCt9s

what a wonderful life.....


hock x


ps.... CAUGHT THE BEST WAVES IN MONTHS ABOUT 3 HOURS AGO ON THE MR(Mark Richards)..........CLEAN GREEN WALLS OF GLASSY HEAVEN........

....have a nice day


www.nameguruapp.com

Brief extract from my upcoming'Hooker Handbook' novel.....

.......The month of July came and went without much fanfare. Raelene had left to go and have a baby, which I was delighted about, and a new driver came and went in the space of a week. He was a big unfriendly-looking man who used to sit in reception and stare at the girls as they flirted on the phone. I never saw him in action but I was impressed with Pip, the gorgeous manager, who did the sacking, apparently. I received most of the saga from Penn and Trish, who said he was one creepy mother fucker. They wanted Little John to come back, who the creep was intended to replace. Indeed, had monthly awards been given out to anyone in the agency for general stupidity, be they hookers, drivers or receptionists, Little John would have won the July Award in a unanimous points decision.

First strike : Refusing to come out of the casino and therefore desist at playing black jack, even after his girl came out of the booking. Gabriela, his now regular partner, it seemed, had to walk into the casino to fetch him. She found him sitting in front of $300 worth of chips and a bourbon and coke. Eventually she convinced him to drive her to their next booking, which he wasn’t happy about. Trace tore strips off him. I didn’t witness that tirade, which I was disappointed about, but I did refuse to walk into the casino and look for him, which Trace asked me to do, only because Gemma was at a booking around the corner. (She wasn’t happy with me either, for a few hours.)

Second strike: Why any driver might leave their wallet in the car was beyond me. Most girls were completely trust worthy, but not all of them, and not always because of their thieving natures. Courtney, the goofy smack fiend who I hadn’t seen for months, drove with Little John on a busy Friday night, mid-month, and either because of how out-of-it she was, which is what I suspected was the problem, or just because she needed the money, it was eventually discovered that she’d pocketed Little John’s wallet that he’d left in the console of his car while she was downstairs ‘sleeping’. I had no idea how it all played out, but to my disappointment Courtney was actually sacked, although not for the first time, apparently.

Third strike and The Icing on The Cake: Gabriela stormed into reception at about 1am with a remarkable tale that Penn later explained in full detail. What happened was this: Gabriela was inside ‘Tom’s’ place in Nedlands, and everything was going well. She and Tom had downed a couple of shots of Tequila on her arrival, they’d had a quick shower, and then they’d adjourned to his bedroom to get it on. Tom liked anal sex apparently, and he liked giving it in the standard fashion, ie- doggie style. And all that was grand. So, Gabriela was having a nice time and so was Tom. At one point, not far from Tom’s great moment of orgasmic arrival, Gabriela looked over her shoulder to render psychological support to her suitor, when she shrieked in horror. Peering in the window with his beady little eyes was her driver, Little John, himself, sprung like a doomsday chook in the hands of a hungry farmer who was wielding the axe. Gabriela started screaming out that she was going to kill the mother fucker, at the same time as a rather confused Tom began to orgasm. Amid Gabriela’s instant fury, which was exaserbated in the short term via Tom’s refusal to let go of her hips, given his current ejacuation, Little John disappeared from the window in a flash and, from all accounts, bolted for his vehicle. Bless his cotton socks, he knew he was fucked, and Brian was the one who picked up Gabriela from the house.
And so it came to pass that Little John was sacked, and peace returned to Galaxy Esorts until the first week of August.....

XXXXXXXX

the book is currently in the hands of the editorial team and will be out soon.

hock

www.nameguruapp.com