Sunday, November 20, 2011

Name Guru app in Texas

Morning sportsfans, and what a tremendous life.......

Here is the latest from the markets...namely that involving "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?", now of course, the application called 'Name Guru'.
Early on the crowd was volatile and results unpredictable, and even early-on it seemed it was a day for people wanting to know if I could guess their name.
'Betcha' cant guess mine?" this bloke says to me, cocky as all hell.
"Sure I can," I said. "....Jim."
"Hah! Wrong. Go on - guess again...."
I knew I was screwed. "Nah, bugger it. What's your name?"
He looked at me, steely-eyed. ".......Dixie."
"How many Dixies you met?"
"One. Me."

Thirty minutes later a 'Jim' did appear.

Jim: Option A: Brainwashed by society to the conformities of what constitutes a strong man in a rural environment, Jim, while a pleasant and generous individual, is incapable of dealing with highly complex issues. He is a simple fellow at his core, so maybe he's lucky that he lives a simple life.
Option B: Good bloke.

Thankyou Jim........

Next of course we had the dastardly trio from Melbourne? Is that right? From left to right, Maria, Rosa and Maria.

Maria: Her mum taught her to cook and that's great, but that isn't one five hundreth of the story. And she loves with all her might.

Rosa: Rosa is short in stature, of Italian descent and she has beautiful eyes. However, DO NOT anger her unless you feel like being on the receiving end of a beating. (Hello Rosa, you look wonderful, by the way!xx)

Maria, left, grabbed me and says, "Do you know, my mum did teach me to cook?..."

What delicious gals. thankyou....

Sarah Jessica Parker, I mean, Audrey, on the left arrvied with Ian. Two of my favourite name theories from the Name Guru app. Sadly, not many Audreys exist in the wild now, and I discussed with Ian, he is possibly the youngest Ian in Australia.....

Audrey: An English Literature graduate who lost her virginity way too late. But that's okay because she now makes a wonderful older lover.

Ian: The sound of a teaspoon being droppped onto a tiled floor. The ungianly twang is noise without being painful and more often it leaves a mess, but did you ever stop and study the shape of the pattern of the mess? Check it out next time. You might be surprised to discover the artist that lies within.

Yep. Looked like love to me.....(if you want that app, you two, head to

Now, Robert, (on the bottom) congratulations!! Bloody congratulations! Why? Because too few 'Roberts' retain a sense of houmour on reading their name theory....

Robert: Borish.

Ladies and gentlemen, Robert read his name theory and laughed so hard and with so much heart that it reverberated throughout the markets. Honestly. So bloody bravo sir!!

Luke, above, didn't mind it either.

Luke: Luke exists out there somewhere between a fluke and a stroke of genius. He courts disaster with a grin on his face but he can easily fall into a heap if the wind changes direction.

Quite early on Saturday, this duo rock up and he too muttered something about trying to guess his name. I didn't even have to think hard about it.

"Richard," I said.
And all his bravado was vanished from his face. Richard it was. Goodafternoon to you Richard. But your wife?? Is it Sandra???? Or Alison??? (I lost that page of my bloody notepad!)

Richard: The knight in shining armour with an ill-fitting helmet that badly impedes his vision 80% of the time. He rides a big black stallion not dissimilar to that ridden by Cassandra, although his task of riding anywhere quickly is made far more difficult because the horse continually tries to throw him for its personal amusement.

God bless you Richard!

Below, naturally, we have Kate and Todd. Good sports, for I grabbed them from the crowd due to their spectacular look. A lovely couple nonetheless, and arguably the most 'unconventional' Kate ever born.....

Kate: I'd check for rocks first but Kate is the name of the breathe you take before diving into a perfect blue sea. If it's a good day you'll see the rocks, no worries, and if it's a really good day, she'll take your breathe away. No question.

Todd: Todd rhymes with Oops. Not in a catastrophic way, mind you, more in the, I-forgot-to-feed-the-cat-but-now-that-I've-remembered-I-will, kind of way.

....dont believe the hype Todd!

But I'd be bloody careful of Blanche, though!(From the Name Guru app...)

Blanche: Blanche lives with her dripping jewellery at a sea-side mansion at one of the 'finer' locales inside Sydney harbour, and she's gruff like that old troll that lives under the bridge and eats children.

She read her name theory, twice, looked back to me, confused. "What??" she screamed.
Blanche, god bless you too! xx

And last but not least - fair dinkum. I'm sitting at my stall, minding my own business, when this maelstrom arrives in the form of the stunning looking family below. The story goes like this- Stu and Blair(parents) live in Dallas, Texas. He's an Aussie, she's American, but Stu's mum sent them "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" last year when Blair was pregnant again. Evidently they consulted the book directly to name their second son.
"Here you go," Blair says to me. "His name is Rowan, and you named him!"

(Stu, Xavier, Rowan, Blair)

Rowan: Patient and contained, Rowan is the sort of bloke who makes an excellent professional photographer.

Xavier (his older brother): A private school boy and all round nice guy. He won't set the world on fire but he won't bore us to death either. Probably.

Stu: Soft like a sponge, Stu can deal with any sitution. He's probably the most adaptable and malleable of all the male species and a better absorber of shock or strangeness does not exist. One day he'll be canonised and we will then know him as St. Stu. And rightly so.

Blair: Tough on the surface, sensitive in the middle, Blair does what it takes and in a quielty determined way, (bullshit, in this case) even though her methods and her dreams seemingly unrealistic.

Yeah, I know people use the thing as a baby-name book but it still and will always, freak me out. Very humbling. But, they invited me to Dallas to come stay, and for the grand USA radio tour I think I will. Plus, I got my mash-potato recipe from a restaurant in Dallas, so that alone is worth going back for.

What a wonderful life.

love hock

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Name Guru app, "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?", Eumundi markets....

Good afternoon sports fans everywhere, and welcome to another days rousing competition, involving the book, "Why shouldn't I call my son Clint?" - now the app called Name Guru.

Quickly out of the blocks was a dashing young lass called, Beatrice. True, Beatrice looks happier than her description in the book/app, and that's a good thing...

Beatrice: Beatrice hasn't had an orgasm for about 15 years, not even by herself. Not that it matters, really, because she's passed all that bullshit.

Somehow i imagined a Beatrice to be way older. anyhows......

Now, we arrive at some fated legends, below.

Margaret, on the left, and Jude. Margaret laughed hard at her description because right now she has 6 Border collies at her house......

Margaret: An Australian sheep dog. A Border Collie. A legend. Loved by all and feared by sheep. What would we do without her? What would Australia do without her??

Jude (holding the book) seemed like she'd take no crap. Indeed....

Jude:Jude works at the pub where she pulls a mean beer. Laughs alot. Fights hard.

Making a hard charge near the midway point we had three more goddesses. From left to right, Lola, Helena and Sammy.

Lola: Tone deaf to the tune of 100%. She thinks the cats howling in protest are actually singing with her, but you have to love her passion for the creative cause.

Helena:Helena is the name of the sound produced by two large, smooth chunks of limestone beign rubbed together. For such a harsh activity the sound produced is surprisingly exotic and calming. "Hey hey...." the noise will tell you, soothingly. " will be alright." (Just be careful not to put your fingers in between them.)

Joanna: Joanna was screamed at by her parents as a child quite a bit, so these days you can't blame her for being off in her hown little world for most of the time.

Ari, left, who looks more like a Neville, was amazed that he found his name at all....

Ari: His entire name is off the ground like an Osprey at full tilt and this boy, therefore, can do just about anything and make it look pretty easy. In which case he needs our congratulations.

Ari, naturally, is married to April, just out of screen, who declined to have her photo taken during competition.

April: April will od whatever she can to ensure that she and her family always give a good impression of themselves, and regardless if she is the daughter, the mother, the aunty of the grandmother.

I'm pretty sure April had the same tattoo on her back...

Then of course we had the young stallion, Ross.

Ross: TAKE ALL PRECAUTION!!! Keep a tranquilliser gun trained on him at all times, even if he appears tame, because he might be faking it. You just never know.

So, would you trust that man, pictured right????

Above us we have Mick's arm, tattoed just so, in case he turns up drunk at some international customs office, forgetting where is and how he got there.

Love your work Mick....

Mick: An Australian icon. He's no rocket scientist - indeed, only physical things that he can touch make sense to him - but his symbol, the fist with the raised thumb, belongs on a flag somewhere. (Note: He detests being called Mike....)

Lastly, as we near the finish line, the delectable, Kim, Lisa and Sammy.

Kim: Kim actually holds a record in the Kingdom for possessing the greatest ration of:

Complexity of Nature/Name Length.

Indeed, Kim is sensual, she is worldly, she is determined and, yes, she is complex.

Lisa: Lisa is supremely normal and often quite beautiful but better than that, she endeavours to allow herself the freedom of passionate reactions in her life. (Note: Having said that, if aliens abduct the English-speaking world's most charasmatic, mysterious and sensual woman as some kind of culture-enhancement project, Lisa probably wont be the one.)

...personally, I think that's bullshit.

and finally, Sammy, who technically doesnt exist just yet....

Sam: It has been almost impossible for Sam to shake the Tom Boy image but it's made her an outdoorsy sort of person who is smart on her feet. She's quite gifted at orienteering (and shopping, I might add) and it helps that she has an excellent sense of smell, although she doesnt take to the dainty types too well- be they man or woman.

And as the sun sets on another day at Eumundi, it seems that sport was the winner, dont you agree????

see you out there for next weeks mission. and who will we meet??......

love hock x